


Inhale. Exhale.

by xxforeyes



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Zayn-centric, lots of pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 08:22:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4997638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxforeyes/pseuds/xxforeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It doesn’t help that he can’t blame Harry for falling in love with Louis. He probably knows better than anyone, how easy it is to fall for that boy. With his eyes and his noise and his heart. With the way he always seems to fill up a room even though he was this delicate little thing. With the way he just gets under your skin and builds a room there and just stays. And before you notice it, he becomes someone permanent. Someone intrinsic to your very being that to be without him is just unthinkable. So, no, he really can’t blame Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inhale. Exhale.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Wong-Direction's head canon. Which I loved! You can find her on Tumblr. She is so lovely so follow her if you have the time.
> 
> I just can't seem to make Zayn happy. I'm so sorry. My version of Zayn's first kiss. Please let me know what you think :)
> 
> You can find me on tumblr as xxforeyes.
> 
> This one is for you, Astrid.

In the end, it doesn’t surprise Zayn that he finds himself unable to look away. Louis was too bright, too raucous, too captivating. It was inevitable, really, that Zayn would find himself in love with his bestfriend. And in another universe, where Zayn could have everything he wants and fate wasn’t as cruel, maybe they could be together. But if he was being honest, he still doubts it. Because when he looks at Louis and Louis’ eyes grow soft as he stares at Harry, he thinks that maybe in all the universes and all other realities, it’ll always be Louis and Harry.

The thing is, Zayn gets it. He was there. He saw how easy it was for them to fall together. How even in the beginning, they were drawn together like magnets.  _It feels a little like destiny, Z. Like every choice I’ve ever made, was a step towards this. Towards him._  Louis would always say and Zayn gets it. Even when he ends up saying— _you’re such a sap, lou_ —he gets it. Because he thinks that maybe it’s the same for him, that all this time he thought he was just drifting through life—until Louis. Destiny is funny that way. Really fucking funny.

It doesn’t help that he can’t blame Harry for falling in love with Louis. He probably knows better than anyone, how easy it is to fall for that boy. With his eyes and his noise and his heart. With the way he always seems to fill up a room even though he was this delicate little thing. With the way he just gets under your skin and builds a room there and just stays. And before you notice it, he becomes someone permanent. Someone intrinsic to your very being that to be without him is just unthinkable. So, no, he really can’t blame Harry.

Sometimes he wishes he could hate Louis instead. Hate the way he stares at Harry like he was his whole world. The way he can’t seem to stop his hands from reaching out for the “curly-haired charmer”. The way he lights up when he catches Harry looking back at him. The way he stopped playing around with Zayn, that one interview they spent feeding each other until Harry threw a fit saying— _I’m getting jealous over here._

That night, he went back to their room and stayed under the covers until Louis crawled in with him.  _You alright, Zaynie?_  And really, how was he supposed to answer that? _‘No, cause I might be in love with you but you already have Harry’? ‘No, because can’t it be me? Can’t you love me instead’?_  So he went for the answer he has taught himself to say whenever his facade cracks and he’s scared Louis might see through him— _I’m alright, Lou_. He knows it’s not convincing and with the way Louis wraps his arms around him and starts humming some random song, he knows it too. And if the song starts sounding like  _lights will guide you home and ignite your bones_ —well Zayn won’t read too much into it.

As the days turned into weeks, he got better at faking it. So good in fact that when Louis crawled into his bed one night with his eyes wide and his cheeks flushed, Zayn didn’t falter.  _What happened now?_  He asked, his voice calm.  _He kissed me._  And honestly he shouldn’t be surprised and it really shouldn’t hurt that much but it does. It hurts so fucking much.  _How was it then?_  He’s trying to keep his voice steady but he thinks everyone in the world could hear him screaming inside. _It was a little bit like coming home. It was familiar and cozy and warm. You know what I mean?_  And it’s just that Louis is glowing. He was so bright. So fucking bright and Zayn is so in love with him he can’t breathe. _Yeah, I know, boo._

Tonight wasn’t any different. They were at a party someone was throwing for them. There were so many people and Zayn can be as sociable as rest of them, he can. Just not tonight. Tonight he was watching Louis and Harry living in their little bubble. Whispering and smiling so fondly and for some reason tonight, Zayn can’t deal with it. So he quietly slips away to the backyard. There were less people so he finds a spot far from the house and fishes out a pack of cigarettes he usually kept for emergencies. He lights one up. Inhale. Exhale.

“Those things will kill you one day.”

He knows it’s Louis but he doesn’t turn to look.

“Just needed to clear my head, yeah?”  _Just needed to clear my head from imagining all the ways I want to have you_ —was more like it.

Louis doesn’t say anything for a while and Zayn keeps smoking. Inhale. Exhale.

“Come on then, Bradford. We’re going on an adventure.” And Louis grabs his hand and starts dragging him towards the house. He really should protest and just say he’s going home instead but watching Louis’ back like this, feeling his tiny hands holding his own like he was his to hold, it wasn’t fair. To love this boy this much to risk his own heart for the chance of maybe. Maybe it could be him. So he let’s himself be dragged away through the house and out the front door.

“Where we going, Lou?” He asks as he finally finishes his cigarette and stubs it on the pavement. It was dark and he forgot his jacket and Louis was still holding his hand. He doesn’t let go either.

“Don’t know really. Just thought you needed to get out of there. You looked like you needed a bit of saving. That alright?”

And if Zayn wasn’t already in love with him, he would be now. But that’s just how Louis is. Even when he’s all wrapped up in his own life, he always sees Zayn. Knows when he needs a laugh. When he needs silence. When he needs someone to listen. When he needs a good cry. Louis just knows Zayn. He thinks it’s because they are so alike in many ways. They were both from Yorkshire. They both come from big families. They even applied for the same job once. So Zayn thinks that maybe they would have found each other eventually. He thinks he would have loved him even then.

“Yeah.. Yeah it’s alright. Thanks, mate.”

“You’d do the same for me, yeah?”

“I’d always save you Louis.”

Louis stops then and turns to him. He smiles and his eyes start crinkling at the corners and Zayn thinks he might die. “Sap”, he says. And Zayn smiles back, just as big.

They end up walking to a small pizzeria and order a box with everything on it. They keep walking and end up on a beach. They pick a spot near a bonfire some people started up and started eating. They talk about everything. About Louis’ insecurities when it comes to his voice. About Zayn missing home. About how everything seems to be moving so fast and it scares them to think that it might just stop. And it might have been the dim lighting or the sounds of the waves crashing down on the sand or maybe because Louis looked so soft like this. His hair loose and his eyes bright. Maybe because he was looking at Zayn like he was something beautiful and delicate. Or maybe it was just because he wants too much. When he looks back on this a couple of years from now, he’ll be a little proud of how he tried.

“I was lying” he started.

“About what?” Louis asks putting his half eaten crust down on the box and all Zayn can think of is how exquisite Louis looks.

“About knowing how you felt when you and H kissed. I haven’t…I mean…I’ve never kissed anyone before.” He doesn’t know why he feels embarrassed about it but with Louis looking at him like he’s grown another head, he feels like an idiot for bringing it up.

“Well, well, well…looks like the Bradford Badboy isn’t so bad after all.”

“Shut up, mate.”

“Yeah, yeah. So why haven’t you kissed anyone yet?”

“Dunno. Haven’t met anyone worth kissing. Don’t even know if I’ll be any good at it.”

Louis is quiet for a bit after that. He looks like he’s mulling something over. A couple of minutes pass of just the distant sound of the people at the bonfire and endless waves until he faces Zayn.

“Want to give it a try then?”

And Zayn’s heart stops.

“I’m not gonna kiss some random person, Louis. I want to kiss someone I at least care about.”

“I know. I know. So do you care about me?”

And honestly Zayn should have known. Louis just can’t leave things alone. He has this innate instinct to help everybody. Especially the people he loves.

“Louis, you idiot. 'Course I do, mate.”

“Good. Then kiss me.” Zayn didn’t notice when Louis got so close. He was already beside him. His eyes earnest and his smile serene. Zayn hated that Louis always wore his heart on his sleeve. He could act all tough but his eyes—his eyes would always give him away.

And right now, Zayn knows Louis isn’t being mean or trying to pull one on him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Lou.”

“Why not? Am I not good enough?” And it just breaks Zayn’s heart because he can hear everything in Louis’ voice. All the things he thinks he’s not good enough for. And Zayn just can’t have that. Louis is probably the best person he has ever known and even if this is the only thing he’s allowed to give Louis, it’s enough for him. It’s enough to be able to let Louis know that he is enough. More than enough, just as he is.

So before he could change his mind, he grabs Louis by the back of his neck and kisses him. And then everything is quiet. There was no one there with them. There were no waves. Nothing. Just louislouislouis. Just Louis’ lips on him. Soft, warm, and a little chapped. And if this is the only thing he’ll ever get from Louis, he’ll take it. He’ll take watching him love someone else if he could keep this. This one thing. His first kiss.

So when Louis smiles into their kiss, he smiles back. And when he moves back, Louis’ cheeks were flushed and his eyes were the bluest Zayn has ever seen them. And all he could think was— _I love you. God, I love you._

“Not bad, Bradford.”

And that was that. His whole world shattered by Louis’ lips and he doesn’t even know.

“Thanks, mate.” Was all he could muster up to say. It’s quiet for a while, both of them lost in their own thoughts. Waves crashing. People laughing. Zayn takes another cigarette from his pack and lights it up. Inhale. Exhale.

“Hey Z, you know I love you, yeah?”

Louis was looking at the sky and Zayn was looking at Louis. And the thing is, even if it doesn’t mean what he wants it to mean, he knows Louis loves him. And as much as it hurts, his words still settle in his bones and makes Zayn’s heart grow a little bigger. Inhale. Exhale.

“Yeah. Yeah, mate. I love you too.”

And he does. He really fucking does.


End file.
